Category Archives: Victim Complex

American Fables, Tales For Our Times: Conservatives Vs. the World

CRDC Fables Cover

Twins Ron and Reagan, up and dressed for school, ran down to the kitchen where Mom, (like I’m sure all good conservative Moms do), had a full hearty breakfast ready and waiting. The family said prayers first, (as I’m sure all good conservative Christian parents do), and everybody smiled and laughed and shared love around the table. Then Ron and Reagan grabbed their book bags and lunches and climbed into the car.

Dad left for work and Mom drove the kids to school. The children turned at the school doors and waved yelling “I love you”, (as I’m sure all perfect conservative children do).

Mom had barely parked the car back in the garage when her phone rang. She answered to hear Ron screaming into the phone, “Mom, my teacher has a rainbow flag hanging in the classroom, come get me before I turn gay!” Mom screeched the car back out onto the road and sped back to the school. Ron came barreling down the sidewalk and dove through the open passenger window, curling up on the floor yelling, “Drive Mom, drive before the gay catches me!”

Mom had just gotten the distraught young Ron home when her phone rang again; it was Reagan sobbing uncontrollably, “Mommy, Mommy, I forgot to pray before class started, now I won’t be able to pray again until lunchtime! Come get me before I become an atheist Liberal!” Out Mom screeched again to rescue her imperiled daughter from the clutches of Public School Satan.

Both children having been rescued, Mom called Dad and said, “You need to come home, our whole conservative way of life is under attack!”

“Lock all the doors and windows, I’m on my way!”, he replied.

When Dad got home he strategically placed all but one of the numerous bibles they owned in front of every door and window (He had to keep one to read to the children from every night as I’m sure all good conservative Christians do).

Dad told Mom to make sure all of the guns were loaded which was a good thing because they’d forgotten to reload the kids’ AR-15 after they shot up the couch (and unfortunately the family dog that was sleeping on it) the past weekend. Meanwhile, Dad went through the house straightening and kissing the framed Constitutions hanging in every room.

Once they were safe in their conservative bubble Dad held a family meeting. “It’s become too dangerous for you kids out in the real world; we’re going to have to home school you from now on.”

But honey, Mom said, we didn’t even graduate from high school, how can we do that!?”

Don’t worry, we can teach them the three Rs, God, Guns, and… and… okay, the 2 Rs. They don’t need to be socially or culturally rounded, that’s for Liberals; our kids will learn our version of history and all the right groups to hate. Besides, proper English is over-rated, science is a deep-state sham, and when have we ever used math?”

Later that night, after they had said bedtime prayers together (as I’m sure all conservative Christian families do), the children went to bed knowing they were finally safe from the real world (whatever the hell that is). As Mom and Dad got ready for bed, Mom said, “Today was a close call; I heard the Smith’s little daughter has to go into therapy because she learned there was slavery hundreds of years ago and now she thinks she’s a Klan member!”

So, what’s the therapy for?”, Dad asked, but Mom had already fallen asleep.

The moral of the story is: You cannot change hearts and minds when willful ignorance holds those minds hostage.

OR

If you want America to fulfill its promise, STOP ELECTING REPUBLICANS!

Feel free to add your own “moral to the story”.

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Filed under American Fables, Christian Conservatives, Conservatives, Equal Rights, It's Not Pie, Politics, Republicans, Victim Complex